Just A Teenager In A 90 Year Old's Jumper.

'Just be you' is the hardest phrase to adapt to in the English language. For years I've really struggled with it, years 7, 8 and 9 didn't see much individuality on my part what so ever and it seems only recently have I become remotely comfortable with who I am and what I like.

I'm self conscious, and that annoys me the most. I'm not a fan of my own body, the shape that is. In general, I love the human body, as much as I hate veins and wrists our bodies are absolutely amazing, self healing and creative beings and we should celebrate it more than we care to do. I appreciate my body, the things it allows me to do and enjoy but cosmetically, I'm not lover of it. But as much as I don't like it I will never have plastic surgery. Ever. I don't believe in surgery , in my personal opinion it doesn't change a person what so ever, and more often than not the person was far better looking before they had anything done. But what do I know? I'm 16.

My wardrobe is so bad, doors and the contents. I have a really horrible habit of buying things that i think are hideous, but in a way that they are so bad they're good-kind-of-way? that does make sense right? yeah? well, apparently not to my mum, she doesn't understand the ideas in my brain. I love old jumpers, preferably hand knitted or from Marks and Spenser in the 80s. I'm also beginning to collect blazers and sunglasses, apparently it's not socially acceptable to look like John Lennon in a tartan blazer, well, you win some and lose some. But that is how I dress, and to be perfectly honest it's hideous but it's what I'm comfortable with, and I'm ok if you hate it, and I'll accept that and I won't question what you're wearing in your dress that barely covers your bum, because clearly that's what what you like. Deal? I have a huge issue with the people that judge you for what you wear. If you looked at my clothes you'd probably think I'm a bit 'different' or whatever but I'm not, in reality or if you got to know me you'd probably find we're all similar, I like singing in the shower and I like to drink alot of vodka,  but I shop in charity shops and not River Island.

Secondary school really does shape you, I can't imagine going to anywhere else and turning out the same or having the friends that I do or having experienced the lows and the unexplainable laughs and highs. I'm socially awkward the majority of the time, so I have no idea how I have friends. But I love them,  and I'd hate to have people around me that simply judge me on the way that I look, then I would definitely hate no friends at all and I'd probably end up hugging trees, buying a caravan and driving to Holland.

Granted, I'll probably end up doing that anyway, but hopefully it will in a Ferrai from the 60s or at a push a Cadillac Eldorado. I think we both know that is very much out of my league. 

Politicians. Urgh

Taking Government and Politics for A levels is one of the many mistakes I regret making in the last year, maybe not regret, maybe more like despise? Or hate? In the beginning I thought that I could debate my way through 2 years and 51647 folders and case studies and yet 7 months in I've come to realise that I have no trust in our democracy or Government or the way it's run or everything for that matter. I hate not having an opinion on important matters but in all honesty I don't care for any politicians as a collective, and if a student that studies it has no clue what to think then what can be said for the public? Is it any wonder that radical groups are becoming more powerful? I hate when people are unsure of a reasonable political group they dive for the radicals.

Voting is so important, I guess I've been brought up to think that if you haven't tried to change anything then you don't have a right to moan and complain about it. I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to be living in a country that has the privilege to decide the fate of the people, that sounded really ominous but what i meant is that we can choose and we have the choice. People have died for the vote and Emmeline Pankhurst, I owe a lot to you. To throw away votes angers me, maybe even sadden?

Recently I've been starting to think that the majority of politicians are all the same and completely ridiculous, regardless of party. As their job they should be listening to their constituency and making decisions based on that opinion not what the party wants. If the MP continuously agrees with the main party opinion they will get further and further up the party hierarchy. That's disgusting. In a country that celebrates democracy and how we as the public each have the right to vote, none of that amounts to anything in individual situations. It would appear that having a better office is far more important than the welfare of the public, how fucking responsible of you. Another thing, if I was being paid to sit in meetings, I would sit in meetings, but it seems that that this is far too difficult for politicians to handle. I understand that being in the constituency is important and hence why I believe they should introduce Skype or some form of video chat so that they actually do their job in both London and in the Midlands or wherever. Surely this will will be more economically healthy and be less restricting for the MP. Urgh, logic is impossible. 

Parliament as a whole is not representative of people it's meant to be representing. Clearly not male and clearly not everyone has gone to Eton for their secondary school education or Oxford or Cambridge for uni, or lived sheltered lives away from complete poverty. Politicians need to wake up look at the country as people not as an economy or statistics, I'm sure as hell I'm not a statistic so why should we put up with being treated like one. 

Responsibly also escapes the the average Member of Parliament and this is apparent in the expenses scandals. Cleaning swimming pools Christmas tree decorations, duck houses and Kit Kats were claimed for, I understand that they are only human and they can make mistakes but seriously? They lack some morals, why take advantage of a gift? 

I feel like I have no connection to my local MP, he hasn't come to my school or made a significant impact on my life, 7 months ago I didn't even know who he was. I wish that with out embarrassing themselves the MPs and politics in general could appeal to young people, but as far as I can see their idea of relating to the wider audience is putting on a cockney accent. Well done, snaps for you. 

I can't write about this anymore it gets me too wound up. 

Politicians. Urgh.

Weddings and Spread

Where my childhood had been cut off at 14 by the removal of all the children's channels from the TV by my Dad, I have significantly made up for in the last 2 years; I discovered chocolate spread. If being a mid teenager has taught me anything it's that chocolate spread on toast can solve all problems, apart from obesity, that not so much. For example: Hungover? Chocolate spread. Bad day? Chocolate spread. Can't find the right dress for the wedding you've got next weekend? Shove that Adele album on the CD player, pop the top off that jar and you know what to do.

Recently I've been too deprived for this glorious substance, I don't know what it is about weddings which prompts you to look differently, or better or whatever from when you last saw the bride or groom but suddenly my Mum has gone on a huge healthy eating diet kick in the face for this and therefore had banished all chocolate spread, biscuits and 'Satan foods' as she puts it from the house. Not that I mind, I understand her, we are similar and I did feel the same way, I'm just too lazy to actually put that into practice.

Weddings are beautiful aren't they? I love the walking down the isle, the small nervous glances. The meaning of it all, the forever part. The reception, getting pulled on to the floor by an odd old uncle in green braces. Getting lost in the reception grounds, causing a bit of trouble with my cousins. Meeting group of new people of which I'm likely to never see again. Dancing with my dad. Finding the random glow sticks. Listening to all sorts of couples talk about their weddings. I love that the most.

I'm a fan of weddings, maybe I am an old romantic soul after all.

Painting and Cushions

I think that the more time I spend on Tumblr, Ebay and in Liberty the more I want to move out. It's not that I don't love my family or we've had a huge argument or anything, I just have this want to move out and create a flat that is completely my own. I know that realistically I will be 38 before it is even possible for me to afford a flat, let alone paint it orange, but this girl can dream. Alot.

My flat would be exactly who I am, none of this neutral shit. There will be Lego and it won't be kept under the bed for small children only, oh no, there will be sculptures of an Ewok and a narwhal on the dinner table. I will eat off mix and match vintage plates and and drink from glass jars. I also like fairy lights and I don't have enough in my life right now, especially after Christmas. There will be record players and typewriters. There will be embroidered birds strung from the ceiling. There will be a huge canvas painting above the fire place, it will be of something beautiful like fire or heaven or aubergines. I want to collect vinyl and use the album covers as wallpaper. I want to make my own cushion covers. I like cushions.

I want to paint a Banksy piece on my staircase. If I could succesfully spray a wall I'd go into a carreer in it, but I struggle with hairspray cans. Struggle.

I'd also like a terrapin turtle, it's something about their skin that is infinitely beautiful. Stripes. In hindsight, I think I'm a fan of stripes. The White Stripes, yes. Racing stripes, yes. Tigers, yes. I reckon that covers it, I am a fan. I will not own a cat or dog, they do not belong in my flat of dreams, they might eat the sofas. I'm not into that.

In ways I hope my mum doesn't read this, she might move me into the shed at the end of the garden with ten thousand spiders. Please no, I won't paint the hallway, I promise I wont. I'm house trained now. 

Just a Thought

If the world was torn apart, born again, would we act the same? The corrupt grey politics were gone, hunger, famine and idiocy wash away like an oil emulsified and swirling down the plug hole. But what would we replace it with? A perfect world or dance in self destructive behaviours?