The Nigel Awards

There are many things in life I want to achieve, such as: own a few alpacas, dress as a wookie for a whole week, ride around Mexico with a mule whilst eating a burrito and wearing a sombrero. You know the drill. But there is something else I have added to this list of many great tasks.
I will give awards out for silly and simple things. I was thinking, if you have a great name like Nigel then you'd get a gold star or a small chocolate coin. There's a small budget, don't judge me. But if you, Nigel, also did something extraordinary such as grow a sea monkey aquarium and name all 56 of your teeny tiny sea monkeys, you would also receive a vegetable shaped like an averagely know celebrity like a turnip shaped like Jackie Chan. Good deal right?

I'd also give out veg celebs to people who had perfected their Swedish accent and were by far the best swede. Ironically I'd give you, the swede impersonator, a swede (the root vegetable not a randomer that I've kidnapped from Stockholm) shaped like all 4 members of ABBA. It will be magical.

I'd give some form of knighthood to the man, woman or beast who plays knock down ginger on Buckingham Palace or 10 Downing Street. Or failing a knighthood, a packet of haribbos and bragging rights for all eternity. ETERNITY. That is a long time, probably longer than you and I will ever live. But then again, you never know the technology these days.

I'd hate to live forever, always getting older. I have nothing against aging, in fact I can't wait to be old. Not that i'd be a particulary great and amazing old lady, but I would be able to go to Bingo Wednesdays without being questioned. The old have got it good; subsidised travel, kidnappers aren't interested in them, and no one expects them to run a marathon. Surely we should all be buying pro-ageing creams? L'Oreal have got it all wrong.